


Fluency in Love

by softcorevulcan



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Slice of Life, Snippets, Vulcan Culture, Vulcan Kisses, Vulcan Mind Melds, courting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 06:25:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10457457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softcorevulcan/pseuds/softcorevulcan
Summary: A collection of snippets of Amanda and Sarek’s life together.





	1. Year 0 Day 13:  You are such a romantic

**Author's Note:**

> These snippets are in no particular order, and are labelled by when they happened. Eventually this story will be canon compliant with AOS, since the Nerada incident will take place within the context of this story. However, there will be few differences from TOS characterizations.
> 
> You are free to imagine the characters however you wish, however the portrayals I am personally imagining are Winona Ryders as a young Amanda, aging into an older Jane Wyatt as Amanda. For Sarek, Mark Lenard as he portrayed a young and older Sarek on TOS and TNG. For a younger Sarek, the actor they casted in passing for his scene in ST IV: The Final Frontier (Johnathan Simpson). Mostly... I just really disliked his AOS character design, but you are free to imagine that design if that is your preference. 
> 
> Also, Amanda means "deserving to be loved, lovable, loved" and Sarek means "precious, inestimable, star, fast fluency." That information may come up at one point or another, along with Spock's name. I get vulcan name definitions from this site (https://kirshara.wordpress.com/tag/vulcan-names ) and I do adore the meanings they give, though I don't know how canon compliant they might be. 
> 
> This story is designed to be readable whether it's read in chronological or posted order, and regardless of if you skip chapters (since the focus of some chapters may not be one's cup of tea). As chapters are added though, informational gaps will get filled in. The idea of this story is to look into who Amanda and Sarek are as characters, what life and love mean to them, and what it means to connect to someone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarek and Amanda talk about their exes. Still in the midst of courting each other.

They are walking, twisting around the greener parts of the campus, mostly alone since dusk is settling in and the air is getting colder, heavy with mist that precludes the possibility of more rain. Amanda is beside him, in an overlarge sweater, hands playing with the sleeves that are too long for her. She is smiling at him, radiant. This is the most common expression she adopts around him, followed closely by smaller closed lipped ones that seem to radiate a warmth meant to be communicated almost privately, subdued. 

He is, perhaps, spending an excessive amount of time with her. However, his duties do not suffer, his work is managed sufficiently, and every moment with her seems to enlighten and enrich his capacity to reason. She is thought provoking. Stimulating. Brilliant.

Even in the most mundane of subjects. She adds substance. Importance.

They are discussing courtship. “Vulcan engagements are not like human ones,” he is saying, as she raises her eyebrows, ever animated. “Monogamy is not necessarily standard. Courting you has been… a new experience in that regard, I have never initiated a relationship where it was monogamous from the start.”

She giggles, covering her mouth to mute it. “I don’t expect - you don’t have to, you know. Plenty of humans aren’t actually monogamous until a few months in, or they’re sure that they’re with the person they want, or they’re engaged, even.” She says that, but her brown eyes are warm and seem to be looking into him, the way they glow with fondness. She may not expect it, but she is pleased by his approach nonetheless.

“As I have already stated, I have never met someone I enjoyed the company of, desired, as much as you. There is no reason to pursue others at present. Perhaps, there is some chance of other people who exist, as ideal as you, but there is no guarantee of ever meeting another. It would be illogical to rely on future opportunities, when there is a chance you will choose me back.” 

Her mouth opens to say something, but he is quicker. “As I said, you may decide what is best for you. What you want. I will not be offended if you choose to pursue others. But if you decide I am the right fit for you, ultimately, I will be -”

“Pleased?” She is grabbing his arm, swinging herself along with it, grinning up at him with crinkles around her eyes.

He spares the smallest smile back, for a moment. They are alone after all. He thinks his eyes crinkle too, even after his expression smooths out. 

“So,” she starts, voice lilting upwards. “How is courting different? With Vulcans? You said engagements aren’t monogamous?” She raises an eyebrow, overly severe, at the last part. Sarek thinks she is being playful. 

“Well, marriages on Vulcan are… handled rationally. My first marriage… we were engaged when I was nine.” Amanda’s eyes get wide, a genuine reaction, and her lips flutter open. “As you can imagine, those sorts of engagements need not necessarily be monogamous until adulthood, or one’s twenties or thirties, or until the day of the wedding itself. Whenever it is most rational to be. Unless, of course, they fall in love as teenagers, in which case they may choose to be monogamous for a majority of their engagement. But. That was not true in my case. We did not become monogamous until a few months before our wedding ceremony.”

“Ah.” Amanda is nodding, as if she comprehends, though Sarek can see the energy bubbling up as she walks beside him, squeezing his arm, and he thinks she is eager to know more. 

“Engagements on Vulcan tend to take the place of… perhaps all equivalent stages of human courtship. It is not always as serious as human ones - how you exchange rings which you wear on fingers… which seems somewhat vulgar, to me... to state how serious you are, and become monogamous, and begin organizing the wedding itself.

How serious a Vulcan engagement is, if it is monogamous, when marriage occurs or when the agreement or marriage is dissolved, is all decided based on what is logical. Since it is rational to prepare for having a bondmate as an adult, we usually have a potential mate picked out by our families, so that there is a plan in place in case we do not find another adequate or more fitting partner by the time we are to bond with someone as an adult. If we find a better match, or our arranged partner does, then the engagement is simply annulled and replaced. Marriage is much the same -- however, since stronger bonds are established then, generally engagements are not finalized into marriage unless the partners are relatively certain it is a logical long term decision. 

I… did not realize, at the time of my first marriage, how arduous a divorce can be on individuals. But it was… difficult.”

“Why did you get married, back then?”

“It was logical. I needed to take a mate, and we had similar careers, our lives fit together easily. So we married. But it quickly became apparent that she had strong opinions of what she considered rational and appropriate, as I do, but that her beliefs did not necessarily include mine. We divorced almost immediately after the joining. We were not compatible on a personal level. I have since… decided to find other ways to cope rather than taking on a spouse simply for those needs. Divorce was a harrowing experience, and it was not worth the benefit, to me, of reliably having a mate.”

“So… you didn’t marry for love, then?” Amanda has stopped walking, and she’s staring into him again. “But, sometimes Vulcans do?”

“Sometimes they do. Love can align with and add to other logical reasons to pick someone as a mate. I chose her because we were convenient, but I had no particular feelings. I did not know her personally, until we joined at the wedding. For me… I do not think a long term mate is worth having anymore, unless I can relate to them personally. What sounds compatible, theoretically, is not enough in practice. At least, that is what I think now.”

She is smiling, shaking her head gently. He can not fathom as to why. “Right. Ahhh. You are such a romantic.”

Something reacts inside his chest, it is like gentle tremors. It is pleasant. Curious, as it is normally not so, when others have accused him of such things.

“Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Two other people, actually.” He feels crinkles around his eyes again, Amanda hugs him for a moment as if in reward for it, before they begin strolling once more. “My ex wife did. Though, I do not believe they meant it the way you do. She was… not pleased by my selection of interests -”

“Because you had a degree in Arts! That’s so ridiculous, on Vulcan that’s really as good a field to have a background in as any, and you’ve got -”

“The political science history as well, yes. Well, her views did not, as I said, necessarily extend to what I am aware is reasonable. After her… a human called me it, once. She also, I think, did not mean it in a necessarily positive way.”

“A human?”

“You are not the first Terran I have attempted to seduce,” he catches her eyes, and they are fond. She is pleased that he has tried to match her playfulness. Even if he is not as sufficent as another human might have been. “I believe she was saying the opposite of what she meant - she may have thought I was being remarkably cold.”

Amanda is giggling, into his shoulder, before she pulls away again. “Was she French?”

“As a matter of fact, she was.”

“You aren’t going to let go of the fact I can’t roll my r’s, are you?”

“Non, ma chérie,” as Sarek intended, Amanda laughs again. The sound is musical. “But perhaps, one day, you will manage it. You will have to if you intend on ever pronouncing Vulcan accurately.” She huffs beside him, trying to stifle her own giggling. 

“As you can imagine, I did not succeed in seducing her.”

Amanda seems pleased about it. 

The conversation drifts, Amanda has linked just their hands now, and they head down another path, not ready to return to their own separate lodgings yet. He can hear her steady breathing, birds puttering in the trees, hovercars moving in the distance, wind gusts pressing high above. It is comfortable, despite the moisture that hangs in the air, despite the chill around them. Amanda seems to warm him from the inside, just by being present. 

Sarek breaks the silence, after a period. He is curious about her, after divulging so much about himself.

“You are twenty seven. Were you married before?”

“Ah… no.” She looks down, her eyes look, suddenly, sad. “But I was engaged, once.”

She pulls to hold her hands together, looking down. The wind is blowing her curls, but not enough to bother her. Something internal is more distressing, maybe. Amanda seems to be collapsing, in slow motion, as she walks beside him, a few inches between them now. 

“For seven months,” her lips curl up, just barely, remembering. “We didn’t get actual rings until five months in, but those last two months were… we were serious. We were planning everything, ready. It’s like you said… how human engagements go.” She lets out a breath, that comes out like a silent huff, but Sarek thinks maybe she was trying to laugh. “It seemed like a good idea, at the time. I. I thought I loved him. He thought he loved me. We both wanted the same things, wanted to get away from here,” she gives a gesture, no energy behind it - in contrast to her more common jubilant movements - with her hands before clasping them together again. “He wouldn’t get in the way of the things I wanted to do, what he wanted would work with what I wanted. It seemed like a good idea.”

She is quiet. Her eyes are cast toward the ground, seeing something not there. Amanda looks cold. “What happened?”

Her arms wrap around herself. Crossed, a barricade. A self support, stopping the collapse. She seems fortified, now. “Two months after we got the rings, we’d been planning, and we were going to get married real soon. He left - something he did, and I did, sometimes anyway - normal. But. Then… but.”

Her mouth falters from it’s tight line, just for a moment. “For four months after that, I didn’t hear anything. He’d went out into space, and I thought, you know. Maybe he’d been hurt, or in some dangerous situation. Those things happen, out there, you know how it is… I asked around, tried to get in contact, of course. Worried. I worried that whole time…”

Sarek wants to wrap her up in his arms. He does not. 

“Anyway. Four months I think he’s lost in space, or hurt, or something. Then he’s back. I’m visiting here - I didn’t work here yet, but I had a job in the city, and I was visiting a friend on the campus. I ahh… I knew Ryan. Ryan Mathews, back then. Ryan knew my fiance. And I saw them, while I was here. Talking outside one of the buildings. Fine. He was… fine.”

“I just. I wish I hadn’t worried. Hadn’t wasted all that time.” Amanda breathes in sharply, her eyes are shining. Wet. “I… it would have been better if he’d told me. Told me we were done. But instead he just left like that. And I only found out when I went up to them. I went up to him -- and he just acted like it was nothing. Our… we were just done. He was too much of a coward to even break up to me formally.”

Sarek does not know what to say, if there is even anything he is supposed to say. Vulcans never show distress like this in public, walking through a park. Her skin has goosebumps, and Sarek thinks she would be shivering from the cold if she were not so sidetracked by her own emotions at present. 

Amanda lets out another push of noise that is almost a laugh, but it is soundless and sharp and though she smiles for a few seconds, Sarek does not believe it is happiness that she is experiencing. “I have to say, when you said Vulcans don’t lie, I just,” she stretches her arms out, eyes following them and looking out beyond them, into the distance. “Sounds nice. Maybe, maybe if he hadn’t lied, hadn’t -- maybe I wouldn’t have been stuck so long.”

He thinks, perhaps, he should mention something factual. He knows that is not what she needs, it would be insufficient, unhelpful.

She laughs again, and Sarek is again bewildered by how humans can deceive not just in words but in their own contradicting emotions, behaviors, even to themselves. “Maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe he wasn’t lying. Who knows. I mean. Maybe he did love me, when he said he did. You can love someone in the moment, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you will love them tomorrow.” She looks to him, finally, and her eyes are still wet, but not leaking. There is so much he wishes he could give, anything he projects to her is inadequate. “I just. It would have been nice if he’d told me when he didn’t anymore. Save me some time.”

Sarek wants to reach out, take the hand of hers closest to his as it swings back to her side. Stroke compassion and condolences into her skin until she’s engulfed in warmth. 

That isn’t what she wants right now though. 

The hard set of her jaw, the way she keeps the water from slipping down her cheeks, somehow, by will alone. There is a gulf between them, and Amanda needs it. 

“I would tell you.”

She smiles, small, but it reaches her eyes, that spark like the first embers of a fire. He means it. But he would never have to. 

“But I don’t think I will ever need to.” She laughs again, soft, chimes grazed by wind. 

“Well, thanks for that, anyway.” She’s still smiling, faint, and she links their hands, swinging them gently as they continue on.


	2. Year 4 Day 296: We can name them that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda is pregnant. Sarek worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Deals with pregnancy and miscarriage. There is no bad outcome, but this is set after a miscarriage had occurred in past. The main focus though, is more on them as characters and their feelings. Which is what every chapter is about - who they are as people.

When he gets home, Amanda is not in bed where she always is when he arrives at this hour. Instead, Sarek finds her in her personal study, computer on and hair askew as her head lies on top of folded arms, data pads littered around her as if pushed aside unintentionally. 

He is concerned, quick but delicate as he places her things back where she prefers them when not in use. Sarek speaks gently as he saves the files that remain open, steps softly as he moves to blow out the candles that smell of terran pine trees that had been left burning next to the window. 

As much as Sarek tries to prevent more exhaustion for her, Amanda still wakes when he attempts to move her.

Ever human, she protests verbally the entire way there, despite falling pliant against him as he carries her off. “I was just finishing up,” and “It’s really not a big deal,” and “I’m not stressed, Sarek. Really.” They have spoken at length about lying before, and how although Amanda despises lies she is still prone to that human habit of saying white lies often as a joke, to downplay situations. Situations where the truth is obvious and so the lie is simply to make light of that truth. She is obviously overworked this night, and so her declarations are white lies. Jokes, perhaps. Making light of his concern, because she does not want it.

But instead of simply telling him her desires, her perspective, she has opted to deny in hopes of postponing the moment she must reveal her feelings. It is one of the few persistently lingering illogical behaviors Amanda still truly indulges in. Sarek has informed her repeatedly that he dislikes lying as well, notably even white lies - which is the one area Amanda seems to disagree with him on. And yet, she keeps agreeing that she will work on saying them less… Sarek has noticed that the actual frequency of Amanda’s white lies and obfuscation oscillate, and are not actually decreasing overall. The only true decrease was after their initial Terran marriage, after which they moved to Vulcan and cohabitated in a more long term sense. During that time she was very much attempting to minimize their cultural differences, and quite dedicatedly adopted so much that she is truly a pillar of Surakian society, because of those initial efforts she’d made. 

Even more so, over the years, has she become a shining example of a woman governed by logic and open mindedness. T’Pau sees it. Has approved of their marriage from almost the beginning, as soon as she met Amanda Greyson and realized what a brilliant noble person Sarek had the pleasure of knowing. And yet still some, illogically, mistake her fondness of emotionally displaying her thoughts, as irrationality itself. When truly, her emotions are rarely governing her actions. Anyone who blindly ignores that and interprets her unfavorably because of it, is surely the one suffering from lack of rationality. It is a shame the people Sarek most believes need to be reprimanded for such illogic are in positions in which they would, surely, misunderstand him. 

Their already failing logic would certainly delude them into thinking he was speaking from emotionalism, rather than ethical concern for their judgement, and no doubt they would only blame Amanda more. Ignore his point further. It would only be more difficult. His wife deserves better.

He lies her on the bed and delicately pulls her hair clips out, setting them on the nightstand beside her. It is draped in dark velvet, for no other reason then Amanda thought the idea sounded ‘fun’ as a decorating idea, 2.74 years prior. The lamp is on, has a stained glass shade, and it gives the room a soft red glow. Sarek had picked it out during that same outing for various home decor and improvement supplies. 

“Really Sarek, you don’t need to fuss over me.”

“You are exhausted,” Sarek pulls the blankets over her torso, standing awkwardly, knowing in this private space he is already trapped. Amanda is not taking care of herself for a reason, but that reason is not a logical one, and so she is hiding it. Which will only compound the issue, whatever that issue may be.

“I was going to sleep as soon as I finished the lesson plans. T’Ras is going to replace me next semester, I want to make sure everything is ready for her.” 

“You fell asleep, Amanda.” 

Amanda had been smiling, placatingly, but now the edges of her mouth pull downward, and her head pushes into the pillow. Sarek is exhausting her more. He does not know what to do. She gives him a look, meant to convey something, so Sarek sits down beside her, lost. 

“Well. I’m done working now, anyway,” she sighs, curling toward him, complying to rest, still giving him some expression that he cannot entirely interpret. “Really, I can take care of myself.”

“That is not the point.”

“Then why are you worrying?”

“The doctors said you should avoid stress.” That is it. The ‘shoe drops’ as Amanda likes to say, under her breath, when diplomats say something untowardly. 

“I am.” She knows she has made a mistake, a white lie, and looks regretful as she pulls him down to lie beside her. “Lie down. Hold me.”

He does. They are comfortable. But not on the inside. 

“There’s a 52.34% chance. That’s what the doctors said,” she lets out a heavy breath, and it’s the only tell about her disposition, in this moment. “A 52.34% chance the pregnancy will be successful this time. That’s basically 50/50 Sarek. I can’t live my life tip toeing around. Even if you treat me like glass, those odds aren’t changing much. Worrying about them is only going to make the odds worse.”

There is silence. She looks so heavy, eyes like stones, body sunken into the sheets, almost between his arms, but the distance there is like marble. Sarek does not know how to push through it without forcing, without Amanda fracturing. 

“You are exhausted, “ he says again. Sarek tries so hard to be gentle now. “That is my point. Your health, notably your reproductive health, has been affected by stress in the past. The more stress you endure the greater the chance it will. Happen again.”

“I know.” Amanda’s words are an open wound, never healed.

And yet she is still pushing herself like this. Overworking herself. Even as her fear is increased by the outcomes of her actions. It is irrational for her to be doing this to herself. Sarek can not understand. 

“I am trying to minimize my stress. Really.” Sarek just wants to understand, needs to understand so he can find a way to help. “It’s just. I’m going to get stressed either way. I overthink. You know me. And it seems like I’m pushing - I’ll give you that, “ the look she directs into him is ‘I understand and am not mad at your actions’. “But you have to realize, I’m going to be stressed if I don’t push.”

Sarek must look baffled, because Amanda takes his hands, feather light. She is radiating her own kind of worry. They are an emotional mess. 

“Other… Vulcan women. When they do this, their work quality does not diminish. They take time off after the birth, of course, but they don’t struggle so much with their current duties and preparations for the future like I do… I imagine it’s because they need less sleep than I do.” Amanda is doing that thing, where she projects an emotion into her speech - this time humor. It is a harmless thing, she has always claimed, and an emotional suppression that is unnecessary for humans since it does not affect their logic in the same extremity it would a Vulcan’s controls. But right now, it is painting a warm picture, while hiding her pain, and it is a white lie. Sarek despises the deception.

“T’Ras and the rest of the faculty understand you have additional responsibilities at present. They would not demand for you to overwork yourself and risk your health to meet them. They will not fault you if you have to postpone or delegate certain duties.”

“That’s … not the point.” Finally, Amanda seems to understand that what is obvious to her is completely unknown to him. Her expression is revealing, subtle but honest. She is not conflicted between the obvious desire to minimize her pain by ignoring it, or address her pain to ensure she will not have to endure this misunderstanding again from him. A misunderstanding which would surely dredge up the pain each consecutive time it is referred to. 

“My point is. If I fall behind, or if my lesson plans and instructions for my replacement aren’t thorough enough, thorough like a Vulcan’s would be, then I’ll feel… inadequate.”

“That is baseless. You are not.”

“I know that. Rationally I know that. But I know my feelings… and if I did substandard work… less than the quality I know I’m capable of. Or less then I would normally be able to handle. Then it’s going to hurt. I know it’s probably more work than I even do normally. But. I have to be able to handle this, Sarek. If. If it works out this time. Then I’m going to have to know I’m capable of doing this much when there’s a child around too. If. If it doesn’t then I need to figure out a way to be able to handle all this, and my health. Eventually, we are having a kid. We decided. I need to know I can do it without losing myself.”

It is still a rationale based in overworking one’s self. It is not a flawless deduction of what is truly best for Amanda. But Amanda has always said she will go for what she desires, avoid what she doesn’t, and no one else will make those choices or assume them for her. Sarek has been informed of this. He knows. Even flawed, he can understand her want. She wants to be as efficient as her peers, in this world. Wants to know from testing that she will be an equally efficient parent of a Vulcan. That she will not come up short. 

It will not matter at all if there is never a child to fall short for. Sarek would have Amanda any way she is, she will always be a singular greatness to the universe. Perhaps they had made a mistake in trying again. 

He feels her hands shake, and holds them tighter, holds her between his arms as she pulls herself closer and against him. On the inside she is waging a war between her own self imposed fears. He can not fix this. She does not want him to. Hopefully she can rest. 

“I suppose I could ask for deadline extensions. And if you really want to help, you could do some of the simpler paperwork for me, the ones you know the details for.”

“I would like to help in any way you wish.” 

“I’m just. No matter what I do. A 52.34% chance. Probably, probably worse,” she is choked, Sarek feels wetness on her cheeks. She is fracturing. He cannot prevent it. Holding her is nowhere near enough. “I am scared. That I might miscarry again.” Sarek is scared too, because of what it would do to Amanda. What it has already done to Amanda. “And then I get so angry. Because. All this fear is just making it more likely. If only I was emotionless, sometimes. It would lessen the chance. But. I’m not.”

She is holding him too, and they are one tangle of selves. Sarek is grateful he reinforced his shields hours prior, because the last thing Amanda needs is his fear compounded as well. She has more than enough. Too much. 

She does the human thing, once her breathing evens out to a slow steady thrum. “What would you name a girl?” 

He knows she is smiling. He knows she is attempting to use feather light levity and push out an act until the emotional display forces her actual emotions to conform to the ruse. This, Sarek has conceded before, is a harmless benefit of emotional display that does seem to help improve the lives of humans on occasion. “I don’t know.”

“Ohhh, humor me, Sarek,” playful, she is trying for playful. It is working, she has completely stopped crying. Her breathing is truly stable now. 

“Perhaps T’Plok?”

“Hmm.”

“Do you have any names in mind?”

“For a girl? Mmm…” Amanda, thankfully, is becoming comfortable now. He no longer feels her freezing into stone. An optimistic hope is radiating out from her, extremely faint though it may be. The weight is gone, at least, for now, melted and streaming off. “Susan. Samantha. Simon. Sakonna. Sylvester. Shana.”

“Those are somewhat masculine names by Vulcan standards. Albeit, already unconventional, as most of them have no meaning in the language.” 

Amanda is pleased with how perplexed he must sound. Never has he been so grateful to be confused.

“What would you name a boy? On Earth, there’s this tradition, sometimes, of naming boys after their fathers. Or their grandfathers. But I don’t think I want a Sarek Junior, or at least I wouldn’t want that to be the poor thing’s name.”

Teasing. Amanda teased him relentlessly almost instantly once they’d started courting, and it reached it’s peak during the last days of their engagement, before their Terran wedding. She had told him she would stop, when he figured out why she did it. His eventual answer had been ‘to reveal our closeness, to show that we have an understanding and intimacy that allows me to understand you even when you say something contradicting or meaningless. That we can see each other as we are and interpret the hidden codes, only for each other. To show we have enough trust to realize teasing words are not always serious, to see the affection below the surface that is ever present.’ 

It was an incomplete answer. A messy answer. A string of possible implications of teasing. Of things Sarek could only back up with feeling… having no solid source of human behavior to cite, but knowing Amanda would tell him if his guesses had merit. She had been satisfied with the answer. Even more satisfied when he’d begun employing his own form of teasing toward her, she had absolutely delighted. Now they occasionally engage in it, but over these years the understanding and affection of it has only improved. Even without a single study to source, Sarek is confident he has a grasp of the reasons for and execution of teasing now. 

“I agree.” He almost laughs, and Amanda’s face lights up in a smile with it. “...I am partial to the name Spock. It is a name meaning ‘resembling half of each other’s heart and soul’.”

Amanda becomes quiet, but it is not a tense broken silence. She seems to contemplate. “You are such a romantic.”

The tenderness passes, and Amanda suddenly feels raw again, her eyes suddenly watery, fingers tight where they suddenly squeeze, chest constricted and breathing jerkily. 

“If we have a boy, we can name them that.” 

There are unspoken words, that are like daggers, photon torpedos, sehlat claws, when forced out loud. ‘Have’ and ‘child’ were such words. ‘If’ and ‘it’ and ‘maybe’ were not safe, but safer, to Amanda. No amount of logic prevented Amanda from associating feelings to the linking of those certain sounds. And referring to a possibility which was so at risk, as a tangible reality, was often too much. 

They did not know the sex. Amanda had resolutely refused to know, this second time. She had ordered Sarek to inquire as to if it was developing healthily, and that was all. He knew. But he omitted the information for now. She desired only to know once it was breathing on it’s own, out in the air on it’s own, in her arms and alive and hers for some kind of concrete duration. 

“In a way, it’s good that at least the miscarriage happened here. You know, on Earth, sometimes they offer coffins. Little tiny ones. It’s awful. Here everyone handles it much more rationally. It’s not needlessly sentimental. It doesn’t dwell on what has, allows people to move on to what is. I wish my feelings would catch up, to what is.”

She had started with more forced levity that crumbled frantically into another sorrowful breath, and Sarek was momentarily tempted to rip down his shields if only to try and push waves of support and comfort to Amanda. But he was still too distraught. Not strong enough for her. If only he could reign in his emotions even more, perhaps than he could reach into her mind and soothe her. Without these shortcomings that held him inert. 

He stroked her back, instead of sharing his feelings, as that physical touch ultimately could do more good. In the end, he was no stronger than any human could have been for her. Possibly less helpful. Surely human partners, generally, were more capable at emotionally soothing through conversation. 

Suddenly, there was a jerk. A double jerk. Amanda’s abdomen twitching, Amanda’s back lurching away. Her eyes snapped open, at once confused and horrified. Lost. 

Her body settled, eyes still wide, and she said “It moved.” 

A normal phenomenon, in human pregnancies. Sarek had read that, heard it from multiple doctors, from Amanda. But not all movement was normal. What kind? What kind? If it was happening aga - 

It could not. Sarek willed himself to be calm. “Should I contact the doctor and ask if this is normal?”

She willed herself to relax to some minor degree as well. One hand was against her stomach, as if gauging the condition, trying hard to make the rational choice, the best choice. Ultimately, she decided it did not hurt to get a professional opinion. “Please. Tell them, I’m sure they’ll know if it’s something to worry about or not. It might be nothing. Normal. Get me if they need to ask me anything.” 

“Of course.” Sarek immediately left to attend to her care. 

It turned out, likely okay. Sarek had talked at length, ensuring he was familiar with any worrying signs before the conversation ended. This was, likely, extremely likely, an expected kick. A movement of the developing life. Common. Normal. Expected. But Sarek was now aware of more dangerous signs, anything that could genuinely signal the pregnancy or Amanda was at risk. Now any further developments would be more obvious, and Sarek would be able to assuage any fears with facts and educated guesses. This would decrease worry. Any effort to minimize her fears. For a moment Sarek envied the path of the doctor. A Vulcan doctor, trained in Vulcan and human treatment, would be a better match for Amanda in this regard. Such a mate would have been better suited to minimize discomfort in her life, they would be the best prepared for this endeavor. 

Amanda had made a choice. She wanted him, desired him. He desired her above all others as well. They had long established that any difficulties caused by a life together would be outweighed by the benefits of having that life together, happier. A happiness no other companion could give in equal measure, a comfort that so outweighs difficulties that ‘easier’ companions in other regards would still not compare. There is no comparison to the logic of their being together. 

This is difficult. This is nature, biology, their own bodies, their societies, all working in tandem to make their odds so much worse than other bondmates. This is only one such difficulty. There are always more. Countless more. Amanda could have been a Vulcan, Sarek could have been a doctor. The difficulties would surely have arisen as they do with any joining of lives. But her beside him, her potential for happiness, her desires fulfilled, her dreams attempted and reached for and one day succeeding because they are nothing if not stubborn. Those things. 

Amanda. Lights up the world. The galaxy. The universe. Existence itself. And for some ungraspable reason Amanda believes similar of his singular presence in her life. That benefit outweighs any and all difficulties. 

They are worth it. 

When he returns she is shaky, leaning against her pillows, but okay. She is not crying. She is wary, but only because the fear of losing a possibility, having to live through this fear longer, or lose the chance possibly, or any number of distraught things, is keeping her panicked. She is a most intelligent woman, but emotions course through her every atom and she has never had a hope of suppressing even the most unpleasant of them. Not from herself. They agonize her, but she doesn’t show it.

“The doctor has informed me you are likely fine. Kicking is to be expected at this point in the pregnancy. In the morning we will discuss anything that might need to be taken more seriously, after you - we have rested.”

She accepts the answer, stress washing from her face. A reasonable answer is what her husband has given her. A true one. 

It is reality in the face of fear. 

Reality, as usual, is rarely as awful as the mind paints its unknowns. 

Amanda has the ghost of a smile, hand drifting off of her stomach. She is perhaps, happy at the development of its motor functions. But still she is hardening herself into rock. She cannot afford to feel even happiness, not yet. Not when all things are so volatile. Sarek can understand.

He properly undresses for bed, waits for Amanda to do the same, Sarek handing her an old soft large shirt she likes to wear to bed, from her days in San Francisco, before getting in beside her. She turns off the light and curls into him again. 

They do not quite touch until Amanda is long asleep, and Sarek finally has a firm seal on all feelings less than safe. Then he takes her hand and radiates the comfort of her at his side, that he always strives to be at her side, and drifts off with her. 

She dreams of rain. It is beautiful, and warm, but in her dream she knows it’s been raining for ages and ages. She’s tired of it. 

Sarek is holding an umbrella over them. They see the raindrops through the transparent top, but remain warm and dry as they walk across winding paths. 

Amanda is content.


End file.
